How Great Sex Made Me a Good Mom

G-rated tips from my X-rated life

Hey Dr. Feel Good–Fix My Hysteria, yeah right there….

May 14th, 2012

Good Mom

Move over Smithsonian! There’s a new museum to write home to mommy about. Mistress Mommy that is. San Francisco’s beloved, notorious and yes legendary Good Vibrations opened The Antique Vibrator Museum. Already creating a stir, or shall we say a national vibe some of the antique vibrators from the turn of the century can be seen in the new film “Hysteria”, a major Hollywood film starring Maggie Gyllenhaal and Rupert Everett in a Victorian-era romantic comedy set around the creation of the vibrator with Good Vibrations co-presenting the premiere. And the movie title has it right—vibrators were promoted as cures for women’s hysteria. Take a look at the happy, pleasured women in the vintage product’s marketing. “Sex Sells” isn’t just a new notion after all.

Good Vibrations founder Joani Blank started her vintage vibe collection decades ago with the stores housing them in loving cases. But they never had one home of their own with the glamorous displays deserving of museum artifacts and now they do. GV staff sexologist and founder of The Center for Sex and Culture, Dr. Carol Queen explains, “We are delighted to showcase our collection in a dynamic, historic, and entertaining display at our Polk Street retail location. The new exhibit contextualizes the vibrators’ role in society and highlights how our attitudes around sex and female pleasure have evolved. It really gives us an appreciation for how far both society and technology have come, and it’s fitting to house the exhibit in the original female-friendly adult retail store.”

Talk about a “Night at the Museum” you might want something a little more up to date for your adult toys. No worries–the new models still cure what ails you.

If you aren’t planning a trip to SF Pride anytime soon, maybe you are close to Boston? The Good Vibrations in Brookline has some of the antique vibrators on display. Tell them Shar sent you!

Become a Drop-By Darling

April 18th, 2012

Good Mom

Or Landing (for the Drop-By)

Love, Life & Sex as seen in the SF Bay Times

by Shar Rednour

: Got extra Tupperware? Drop it by!

Where I grew up people dropped by. “We were runnin’ around and thought we’d drop by.” My parents and I would be out looking at tractor hitches at TSC (Tractor Supply Company) then mom would say, “hey honey, would you drive by Jeannie’s? I wanna see how’s she doing. Her husband hurt his back, or her cousin got Lupus or, or…” Any number of bad things happen.

Out here in California, we say “challenging things” and don’t admit they’re “bad.” Bad relationships, cancer, jobs, HIV, family problems and last but not least our pets die.

Somehow, out here in California, I gathered Drop By-er friends. I say “somehow” because I didn’t do friend-entrance-exams at The End UP or Faster Pussycat! -

What happened to dropping by? Did everyone used to when they were young? Maybe it isn’t midwestern after all, is it age? People got too busy?

Is it technology? With no cell phone, one drops by to ask a favor, or tell a story in person.

Drop by even if you look messy. I AM Femmepress Shar so if I say this then take heed! Who cares if your mascara is runny.

Got extra Tupperware or made too much soup? Drop it by. If you hear a story, recipe, inspirational thought a friend would like drop by to tell them. Bring them an orange.

My friend Smeeta drops by with a teabag in hand. I bring hot water out to the porch and we chat while watching the baby sleep in the car, then she leaves in 20 minutes. Drop bys don’t have to be long.

Go places with someone else. Do you know someone who also goes to the doctor on Tuesdays? Yoga on Wednesdays? Maybe they used to go but now you don’t see them? I learned from my mom to drop by and find out what happened. Maybe they will get inspired to go again if you offer to go together.

When someone is going through hard times, bring them ice cream, validate them, ask questions, offer advice and give hugs. Do this even for the person who’s eternally optimistic, who insists “I’m fine” even though they got dumped, fired or their cat died because that’s who will unexpectedly try suicide.

Always hug and tell people that you love them even if it embarrasses them. Who cares.

When we’re in the middle of worrisome times—wondering when the phone will ring with biopsy results—it’s much nicer if you are chatting with a neighbor watching East Bay sunsets while the kids do cartwheels or (The City folk) sipping hot cocoa enjoying a foggy afternoon.

Some of my friends only see each other at 4 hour cocktail parties that have to be planned. I tell them, “come hang out for a few minutes—don’t wait for the perfect moment!”

Life is short and fragile. If someone is important to you, you must let them know. Drop by, drop in, and drop the formalities!

My Brazilian went South–Not in a Good Way

March 28th, 2012

Good Mom

Dear Femmepress Shar–

I am about 40-ish, I will say, and have been married for 12 years and I am a very busy mom. I recently got a Brazillian to make my husband happy. I have never done this before.

We are from a country where the women and men have more traditional roles and my poor husband, I am kinda a tomboy –I do not wear much make-up but I think I look good. I get no complaints, right? So I do this for the first time–

And now I have a discharge! I think I got something but how could that be?? I told him this is not how it is supposed to be, we are supposed to have hair down there. I don’t know what’s going on.

Please Help

Kathy

PS: though I should say it DID make him really happy (smile) and we both had a great time in bed afterwards.

>

Dear Kathy–

Bravo for trying something new to make your partner happy. NOW some might say “Oh no she is changing herself for a man” but I say to that “change the genders and see what you would advise? We wouldn’t think a thing for a man to go to Good Vibrations and ask for help pleasing his woman? And us queers, well crap, we’ve got givers and takers and I hope ya all mate as 2 givers together and let the takers sit at home to play video games–but that’s a different lecture.

Anywhos-ville like I was saying

Bravo for being open-minded to try something new. But you are right –we do have hair for a few reasons and *protecting our privates from the friction between our legs* is one of those reasons.

I do not think you have an infection.

I think that your body is responding to friction by creating natural lubrication which is a discharge but not an unhealthy one.

Another possibility is that you have had this much discharge before but it was normally caught in your hair and now that you can feel and see every drop so it seems like more than it is.

Unless it smells bad and is off color, I wouldn’t worry.

What I would do is wear loose clothing, leggings under skirts instead of underwear, do not wear jeans or at least tight jeans especially if you are going to be sitting all day.

Now that said, don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. You can do a brazilian again. My advice for future bald soirees in your lady garden–is for you to be a, uh, smooth operator only on occasion.

Many women do it all the time–good for them. But If you only do it now and then you will stay very sensitive–in a GOOD way–as you experienced every touch is electric, you might be able to climax faster or bigger, you might feel naughty and extra sexual. You partner thinks its hot and when he doesn’t get that all the time, it stays super hot. A happy surprise.

If your extra lubrication is because the friction is making you not irritated but simply HORNY then masturbate more and/or get those kids to the babysitter and have some hot dates with your man.

Harnessing Pleasure

March 20th, 2012

Good Mom

Dear Femmepress Shar–

I am a 47 yr old ftm who adores his sweetheart. My girlfriend loves being fucked with a strap-on [harness with dildo], but I am unable to feel anything when I use one. I’ve got both a leather harness and a Spare Parts harness, but neither one “hits” me in the right spot. Now, of course, I don’t need to get off every time I f*ck her, but it would be awesome if I could feel physical pleasure at the same time– you know? I have friends who rave about the spare parts harness, but I can’t seem to keep it secured close enough to my body– which also creates an issue of not feeling like I have great control of my cock.

I’m wondering if a different type of cock—if there is one—would be helpful? Something that curves back towards my tiny penis?

Thanks!

L

Dear L,

Thank you for writing with this very important question. Your sweetie sounds like one lucky lady. First off let’s start with your harness. The SpareParts Joque harness does have rave reviews–that’s why you got it. But I have to say it’s kinda like Trains, Planes & Automobiles of harnesses. Velcro, big elastics, little elastics, tiny clamps, pouches, rings, and curtains!!

The good news is they did all this to make folks comfortable. These designers took comfort and wearability serious! You can wear this bad boy all night. But you do need to fuss with it to get it right.

1) ALONE, with all the lights on, in front of a mirror–OR two–adjust your harness and get it snug and right for your body. Familiarize yourself when you are not in a sexual setting.

Sexy Image from leotron.tumblr.com

2) Set the big straps to fit you. There is a lot of velcro going on and folding, figure it out and get it your size.

3) Set the legs straps to fit you.

**At this point, you should be able to take it on and off without setting it again. It has elastic so that it can be pulled on so that one does not have to do this major adjustment each time.**

4) Put any cock into it. Now you are ready to tighten up.

5) Experiment with the smaller straps.

There are 2 “pull straps” that you can give a tug on while you are in the act or in the dark to get your fit snug.

The Joque goes well under clothes as there are no big metal buckles or leather that cuts into you. This harness rides low so the cock-ring can be in a good spot.
There are little curtains (my word) to cover up the base of the dildo if you feel your hair being pulled when you are fucking. If you don’t mind shaving downstairs, try shaving then placing the base directly (sans curtains) over your penis. ( to those with clits over your clit) Does that feel good to you? The pounding and pumping with the silicone directly on you can feel awesome and do the job for many folks.

You could put a vibrating cock ring on your dildo, that oftentimes pleasures both partners.

If that doesn’t do the trick, SpareParts has another surprise: there is a little pouch that can hold a silver bullet vibe or vibrating egg.

Last but not least you asked about dildos. Regarding your idea of a base with a little nub or ledge coming back at ya–HELLO attention toy designers. What a great idea. Send your prototypes to me and I will get them to L. There is the nexus by Vixen which is good if you enjoy penetration in your bonus hole. The nexus does have a little ledge for outer stimulation for the wearer.

So that’s hopefully some fun homework for you. Let me know if any of it works!

***

Here’s what I copied from the SpareParts Website so read on if you want the details: “This vegan hand-made harness is designed to be comfortable and convenient. With a velcro strap that adjusts in a snap, the SpareParts Joque Harness easily adapts to your size and shape. Fashionable and flexible, the front piece includes a built-in elastic o-ring that can accommodate toys up to two inches wide. Double dildos, dildos (flared bases) and even external vibes can be placed in the pleasure pouch. Perfect for packing, the mesh-lined backing allows for breathability with all-day wear. Get wet in this hardware-free harness! With no metal parts to rust, you can use the Joque as a jock while playing water sports. After getting down and dirty, this washable harness can be cleaned by hand or in the machine.”

Love, Life Sex on Swirl

March 13th, 2012

Good Mom

Do you like listening more than reading? I am posting the answers to my readers questions after the radio show airs. Swirl Radio features Michelle Meow and is super fun and it’s informative. You can listen to my segment alone or the whole show.

photo by Smeeta Mahanti

I Cheated! Save My Marriage

March 13th, 2012

Good Mom

if you would like to listen to my answer instead of reading it, click here to learn about SwirlRadio.

Hi Shar! Huge fan!!!

So my question….
I made a terrible mistake in my marriage…(multiple cheating) and I’m trying so hard to prove to my wife how sorry I am and how I do love her… I feel so horrid and beat myself up.

About us…We have been together for 4 years…married for almost 3. We love each other more than people think. We truly are complete opposites…. I love music piercings, kinda punky. She’s clean cut and nerdy. She helps me stay grounded…i try to add the randomness. I love her and promised her forever and I want forever!!

What can I do? I dont want to lose her…Can we fix this??

~

Thanks Dayna!

This is an important question and yes I have the answer to it. Thanks for your courage to write it.

This is not about polyamory. That’s a whole different ballgame. Let’s focus on what you said.

You have lied multiple times so how can she trust anything you say again? Also, I hear you saying that she wonders SINCE you lied then HOW can you truly love her?

I can help but be warned, its going to be a long road to walk but if you do really love your wife and want to be with her forever then what’s a couple of years of purgatory?

The burden of proof is in your court. She does not need to do anything. If she calls, you answer. If you are late for 5 seconds you stop what you are doing and call to say you will be late. You do things that easily can prove you were not with another woman. Invite your wife to everything–the gym, your work for lunch, your band practice. Whatever it is—it need not be private again for a long time. Where there are landlines provide landlines. If you leave work at 6 call from work’s landline at 6 and be home in the appropriate time. She should have all your friend’s numbers if they are friends she trust–that way if you say you are with Bill then she calls Bill and says “hand the phone to Dayna” then by golly Bill better be able to hand you the phone. Sounds ridiculous but hey you lied so now we have to prove that you don’t anymore.

Was alcohol involved? If so then that’s a pretty easy one to change right? I always say if you don’t wanna ride a horse then get outta the barn.

Take responsibility and take a beating. Don’t defend yourself by attacking her. If she is crazy and paranoid –it’s because of your action. LIke I’ve said before when someone doesn’t like what they hear: I’m not the news I just report it. What I mean is if you don’t like her actions–guess what that’s you in a mirror. She is reflecting an insecure paranoid untrusting wife WHY because you aren’t trustworthy and you made her that way.

Some people say “your relationship is worth fighting for.” I say, “Actually its worth NOT fighting for.” What I mean is that let it go of offense and defense. Everything is your fault and if she stirs the dust YOU let it settle and do not add to the tornado. And I do know and so does she that everything isn’t really your fault. But if you want to save your marriage instead of nit-picking her or like I said, stirring up the dust, just take it. Baby, you can do it. Just take it and let the storm pass . Be loving and fuck her and be your fun self.

Here’s the good news–if you can take it. You will get to the other side. You will. She will start to trust you again. She will. You two love each other and are great.

[Here's a let-me-be-your-best-friend-and-slap-you-now tip: by golly just about the time she does trust you do NOT ask to drive an Ex to the airport or bring the person chicken soup. Sick people have other friends who can bring them chicken soup. They find rides to the airport without you. ]

To your wife I say, I know your mind is racing. You want to spy on her, you want to hire detectives. You don’t understand why she did all this. No matter how strong you are or present, you have times where you ask yourself did you do something or not do something to lead to this. That’s not all bad. Don’t take blame but DO benefit from new honesty and connection. Also, DO f*ck her brains out like you’ve got something to prove. Go ahead it’s fun. Speaking of sex, regarding the sexual part of this transgression. I do not like lying. But regarding the sex part–I have to tell you that I firmly believe that the sex meant nothing to her. That’s no reason to break your relationship agreements or lie but I am just telling you so that you won’t worry or feel bad about that. Regarding my HOW question in the beginning: if she does all this to fix it well then Darlin’, she loves ya.

Back to you both, the openness and connection Dayna now feels toward her wife is a benefit. It’s now lopsided so you two have to keep being vulnerable and honest until it gets even-keeled again. If you do, you two will be a stronger and happier couple. Challenges lead to strength when both partners are committed, are kind good people, and don’t hide behind bullish*t.

Blessings!

Femmepress Shar

Dayna won a vibrator donated by Good Vibrations!

Add to the Shar Pile & Win a Little Something for YOU

February 21st, 2012

Good Mom

Daily Life has me getting my Love & Romance Bonnet back on. I am going to be answering your questions on my new radio segment coming out in March (stay tuned for details) as well as a column and books that I am doing.

Since I had quit my work to have kids I don’t have a current pile of questions coming in. Send in yours now to get me kick started then I will be getting questions from listeners.

You can be in on it from the beginning! PS there is a give-a-way at the bottom of this post so read on.

Email your questions to me Shar AT SharRednour.com. I will keep your name and info private.

I am gathering questions about

break-ups
dating
sex
sex toys
body issues
gender concerns
LGBT very welcome but don’t be shy all sexualities are welcome in Shartopia

Some things to help you think:

Do and your lover have different styles? different libidos? different work schedule?
Questions about last break-up or your Ex?
Divorce? Single-parenting and dating? Polyamory?
Questions about someone new that you like but you have an issue that gets in the way?
Does anyone want to use dildos or harnesses and need help finding the right one?
Is anyone worried about buying vibrators or getting the right thing?
–there are so many different kinds. battery, electric, inside, outside…
do you or does your partner feel that sextoys replaces her or him? or doesn’t like them for other reasons?
Questions about G-spots?
STDS?

NO question is a silly question.

Last but not least. Everyone who sends in a question gets entered into a raffle to win a small prize donated by Good Vibrations which will be mailed to you discreetly from Moi. Many prizes will be sent.

Single and Loving It? Single and Hating It?

February 14th, 2012

Good Mom

Valentine’s Day Schmallentine’s Day

Single and Hating it?

Single and Loving It?

Being a parent means you are surrounded by love and if you choose to, lots of construction paper hearts and glitter this time of year.

I have always been known for fun Valentine’s Days that did not require being a part of a couple. Pah-lease. I could write some fun, sassy masturbation article but here’s the real deal: I think that you should throw a Valentine’s Day party even if it’s small. We had a pink potluck party one year where everyone had to bring a pink food. Some of it was yummy, most of It was hilarious. My friend Patrick made a pink jello mold creation from his mom’s 1973 recipe that we couldn’t stop laughing over.

We finally threw it out into the gutter in the San Francisco rain where it tormented me for days. It never melted. it was still there jiggling!!!

Anyone can stick her nose up at a created holiday and sit at home eating microwave popcorn, or you can decide it is a good time in the cold winter to have some laughs, share your affections with your friends, and get heated up from the inside out. Umm and regarding the inside out–yes you can probably give yourself the best pleasure anyway, so treat yourself to a new sextoy or pull out the old favorite and go for it. Take care of the best Sweetie Pie–You!

Valentine’s Day 2012

February 14th, 2012

Good Mom

Want to know the real secret for getting romantic on Valentine’s Day? It’s not spending money on diamonds or a seven course dinner it’s focusing on you two. Now this is if you two need to some time alone. If you already have date nights and good lovin’ once the kiddies are in bed then personally I would make this day a community day for you and family and friends. BUT romance is cheaper than therapy so if you and your lover need some quality time then the recipe below is made especially for you. I promise it will get you closer together and give you some badly needed hormone-balancing.

1) Skip the Dinner

For Valentine’s Day most people go out for a fancy dinner. If you never get to go out and this is your big treat then by all means go for it. But do this on the weekend. On actual valentine’s day, I find the fastest ticket to opening up and creating intimacy with your lover does NOT start with a heavy meal.

2) Plan where you can be intimate.

Do you live alone? Are you divorced and the kids are with the Ex? Will you have the house to yourself? If not instead of spending money on jewelry, get babysitting and spring for a hotel. On the internet you can get all kinds of bargains in any price range. Get a hotel even if you can only go there two hours. Most importantly, get one with a bathtub.

3) a) Plan sexy food. B) after sex food. Obviously it’s freezing in most places so this is up to where you live. Get your and your love’s favorite appetizers: strawberries dipped in chocolate, shrimp cocktail, you pick. Wine, champagne, water whatever drinks or smokes you want. For after-sex-food, pick up something filling and yummy–your favorite comfort food. Couple of burritos or pizza? Keep it warm and hide it.

4) Prep the Love Tools. If you are at home get it all ready, if going out then pack it.

Remember the lube, candle light, sex-toys, music, favorite sexy movie, etc. If you can set up your love den ahead time, without your love there.

5) Prep for the Post-Love Party. Comfy clothes, fuzzy socks, favorite bath salts, lotion.

6) Deep thoughts by… YOU. Think ahead of what is special about your love and about you two together. Write down your thoughts in a card. Picture how you are going to express yourself.

7) Make the Connection. Start with your tasty bites…I meant the hor d’oeurves! Yes nibble on your babe or offer your body for the nibbling. Don’t process the bad times. If you are a new couple –please don’t process about your Ex! Talk about what you like about your lover, about yourselves as a couple. Start your sexy movie then start kissing. Don’t wait for the other person to start. Go for it. Get in there. If you have time, do a strip tease or demand one. Screw your brains out. I mean it. Especially if you are parents or caretakers or for whatever reason have not had sex in awhile. Fill up your sex gas tank!!

Having sex creates vulnerability and sets off excellent hormones and body responses that make us feel good. Being vulnerable creates a special bond between you and your love.

After sex and vulnerability. Lay back and watch a movie, pick out a funny one. Do not catch up on The Walking Dead! Take a bath. Eat comfort food and get turned on again. This time you might just kiss since your bellies will be full. You might be re-energized for round 2.

Real Advice about Heart Attacks in Women

February 12th, 2012

Good Mom

As moms we are always told we have to take care of ourselves not for our own sake anymore but for our children. Maybe it’s because we are so socialized to minimize ourselves and care for others. So this makes caring for ourselves not selfish but again an act of selfless mothering. How ridiculous. Just take care of yourself and love yourself.

Okay get off the soapbox and just give the facts Shar. I don’t know about you but I always get confused by health advice that’s too general like “fatigue and dizziness.” Because it’s so general I end up dismissing it altogether. Recently Susie Bright wondered in her blog if Whitney Houston’s death was caused by, like millions of other women, a heart attack. Why would she have a heart attack? DRUGS? Or because heart disease is the #1 killer of women. Susie was disgusted by the media’s need to be judge and jury over Whitney.

I had heart issues on my mind anyway so reading Susie’s blog inspired me to offer up what I have recently learned yes watching the DR. OZ SHOW.

When the 6 o’clock news HEALTH correspondent reports”light-headedness or nausea could be a heart attack,”I’m like really? Really? The women in my Tennessee family fainted all the time. I was raised to think that getting light-headed, or muttering “hold me I’m going down” as you reach out your arms was no more noticeable than a new scarf: you might comment on it or mention it at the dinner table or, then again, not.

I was so grateful that recently Dr. Oz put up the symptoms for heart attacks in women AND THAT he gave some practical advice on discerning differences in some of these common occurrences.

Here are Dr. Oz’s symptoms of a heart attack that women should never ignore

Jaw, neck, and shoulder pain
Gastrointestinal symptoms such as indigestion, nausea and vomiting
Shortness of breath
Dizziness, sweating, weakness
Unusual overwhelming fatigue

See what I mean? Any one of those could be related to anything from a bad burrito to finding out your Ex is in town!

I was so glad to hear him go on to give some specific ways to discern between a bad hangover and a heart attack so read on!

But please better safe than sorry. You can rush to the hospital THEN think about the following ideas as you ride in an ambulance.

You do NOT need to determine the source of your pain. Get medical help.

What’s difference between neck pain and heart attack pain?

If you can take your finger and put it on an exact spot that is in pain then it is probably not a heart attack. Typically the pain spreads to shoulders, chest or back. Secondly does it last longer than 60 seconds? If so get to the hospital.

What’s the difference between heartburn and heart attack?

Does the pain feel like compression? Like someone sitting on your chest? Does it radiate down your arms? These are signs of heart attack.

If the pain is resolved with eating OR if the pain goes up into your throat OR if the pain comes and goes then that is more likely to be heartburn. With indigestion, nausea or vomiting: does over-the-counter medication help you? If you feel bad then you take an antacid, Gas X or a prilosec and that makes you feel better it is probably not related to your heart.

And there is a time difference. With heart attack the pain and pressure can go on and on. Whereas with heartburn the pain can come and go. Again you do not need to determine this yourself. Go to the hospital if you don’t know.

Why is Shortness of Breath related to Heart Attacks?

If you can’t walk and talk then your heart is weak. You need to tell your doctor this even if you aren’t having a heart attack and work to strengthen your heart under Dr. supervision.

How to discern the Dizziness or Light-headedness related to heart attack

If you sit down and the dizziness goes away then that’s good. If you sit down and the dizziness continues then get to a doctor.

Overwhelming or Unusual Fatigue–Are you just tired?

Is there a change in your exhaustion in daily activity like carrying groceries or going up stairs? Did you do these same activities a few months ago or year ago and they did not bother you? ***No matter what your schedule is or if you are “burning the candles at both ends” you should not feel overwhelming fatigue. Dr. Oz had a 27 year old on his show that was a med student and very busy so she attributed her symptoms to that. She was 27 and had a major heart attack and had to have open heart surgery.

That last one about fatigue is personal to me. If you are a long-time fan of mine or friend then you might have heard my insomnia stories. I had major fatigue but I attributed it to my crazy lifestyle and insomnia. One time a clinician (as I went to free clinics and didn’t have health insurances for 15 years) at an exam could see how tired I was. I told her that I only slept a few hours and she said that when you wake up you should feel rested if you slept a few hours. Now, you might feel tired faster or need a nap soon but when you wake up you should not feel like your limbs are made out of cement and that you can hardly get out of bed NO MATTER YOUR LIFESTYLE OR AGE. In my case, I had severe anemia and low blood pressure problems. I took some prescription vitamins and ate better and was fine.

My point is never to presume that your age, or life circumstances, precludes you from disease.

Be scientific and access your symptoms–not “oh there is no heart disease in my family” or “Oh I am only 30″ or “I am just over worked.” This is not a time for history lessons or excuses, just look at the symptoms and go to the doctor. I love you all.